...........

So I am going to attempt something new. I am going to blog. To get my feelings is hard enough, but to write them down where others might actually see......AAAAGGGGHHH.

I don't even know where to start. My brain is mushy and I can't seeem to get complete thoughts out must less feelings.

I guess I'll start with whats bothering me right now.

So my gf and sub is having problems at the moment. The problem is, I don't know what I can do to help her. Nor do I know what all is wrong. This is a BIG deal to me. My entire life has been spent trying to make people happy. It's my nature it's who I am. Now I'm stuck with someone I care deeply for, but I can't help them.

I know some of the issues she is having, but I'm not sure how to help her. And some if not all of her issues(I don't know) are directly related to me and our relationship. To start, she wants me to be more "domly". I am making an effort, but I have a strong feeling that if I don't fix thi issue soon, it'll be too late. Thats easy to fix, right?.........Not for me. In my mind and looking back through my history, I have a very dominant personallity....when I know what I am doing. And well, in a relationship....I'm fucked. I look back at my relationships and realize that I was the caretaker of the relationships. I was soo busy trying to make the other soo happy, I would miss the point that I was no longer happy. What can I say, Old Habits die hard. Aside from my past relationships, I am a very laid back and indecisive. Usually I don't care what I/we are doing as long as I/we are doing something. Same with food. So now, she wants me to step up to my role as a Dom and make decisions. I am trying to do this, but she needs to understand that 1)its hard for me to make decisions 2)it's very unlike my past relationships making it harder. But I am trying, I think I have been doing better(maybe not).

When I had this conversation with a friend of mine, I had told him that I am not picky. His response is that that was fine, but now was the fun part, throughout this learning process, I also get to learn to be picky. I get to find out if I like things done a certain way. The problem is, I haven't taken him up on thsi advice.

Truth is, that I am scared I'm going to fail at this(relationship and role) also. I am worried, that as dominant as I feel I am, I'm not going to be enough for her. As I've been told before, history tends to repeat itself. I'm tired and afraid of being second choice, of not being good enough. I want to be good enough, I want to be someones first choice for once. Moreover, I want something to not fail for once because I fucked it up.

I don't really know. This is probably all coming out hazy and garbled. Just ramblings of insecurity. I have more on my mind, but not sure if I can say it right now. So I will end my first attempt.