I am in a spot in my life that is completely foreign territory. I am so confused and so lost. I am in a relationship I am not willing to give up on. And she doesn't want me, atleast not at the moment.
Yesterday, she admitted that she is not attracted to me currently, and hasn't been in a while. It's my own fault, I get that, but it still hurts. As was asked of me, I am IN LOVE with her, but she's not with me. We've barely touched in over 5 months. I don't satisfy her. I ask her on a date, even though we've spent the last 18 months together in a relationship, she's not sure if 1 date is worth the effort.
So yesterday, she said she doesn't know what to do. The conversation ended with me saying that as long as we were in limbo I was going to keep working on this relationship. Last night, I realized how hard this is going to be. I went to kiss her when I got home, I had to kiss her forehead. She's uncomfortable around me. I managed a peck when I went to kiss her goodnight. When I got in bed, I tried to hold her hand. I might have well held a board, would have been about the same coldness. Yes, it may sound clingy, but it's not. I'm not trying for clingy. I'm hoping to catch the spark that I know is somewhere in there.
One day, just one day. Yesterday hurt soooo bad, between finding out how she felt about me, to her touch. I'm hurt. I know she says this is how she's felt for the last six months.....and I'm just now getting to the party. But thats crap. She's not the only one who's been hurt, lonely, felt rejected for the last six months. But after last night, I don't know how long I can continue. How pathetic do I look right now, being in a relationship that I'm not wanted and not loved. Oh well, call me pathetic if you will, I love her and am not going to let go.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Monday, June 21, 2010
What is a Dominant?
So a while back I had told you that I was going to assign myself homework. The asignment was "What does being a Dominant mean to me?". Sadly, due to being busy, lazy, and forgetful, the assignment has been left by the way side....until now.
So what does being a Dominant mean? To be mean, demanding, and uncaring? Not to me. You look at Websters definition here http://www.merriam-webster.com/netdict/dominant . I don't like any of these definitions. None of them really mean anything but the superior person. I don't believe that is what a Dominant is at all. In a D/s both people, IMO, are on equal levels as far as being a person. Neither is more superior of a person than the other, just different in how they serve the other. But a Dominant doesn't serve the submissive ? I think this is wrong. I believe in a D/s relationship both parties are serving the other, they difference is how they go about it. I believe a good Dominant is one that serves his/her sub as much as they expect there sub to serve Them. I'm going to start relating this more towards me now.
I am a new Dom and am still trying to find my way. My "core" values as a Dom are fairly simple in my opinion. The most important is to be protecting and mindful of your well being both physical and mental at all times. You are mine. You are my treasure, my most precious jewel, and it is my duty, obligation, and desire to keep you safe. As much as it your "job" to give me what I need and want, it is my duty and obligation to do the same. This is where I have been lacking. It is my job to make you feel good about our relationship and your submission. You have said that you have not felt submissive, part of this is my fault because I have not accepted ytour submission and given my dominance as I should. Some of this is learning each other and some of this is learning the roles. I really want to sit down with you and do a "negotiation" of what all we need to do to really make this work. My biggest problem is that I expect people to do things to please me without asking or telling them. This has always been an issue of mine even with management. How can I expect you to do something if you don't know I want it right?
Here is a few things I would like to see in our relationship. I would like you to take care of my apartment, keep it tidy and clean. I am not the messiest, but I'm also not the cleanest. I will try and go out of my way to make chores for you. If we need, maybe I can put together a daily list of chores and weekly list of chores. Whatever it is you need, we will work towards this.
I want someone that is glad I am home. When I get home I want to be greeted. I want to know that you are glad that I am home. Now I'm not asking that you come and sit at my feet for 3 hours as soon as I get home, however I would like you to drop what you are doing, come give me a hug and a kiss, maybe cuddle for a few minutes if I've had a bad day, and get me a fresh drink.
If I am obviously having a bad day, especially if I am obviously frustrated, I want someone that will let me vent for a few minutes. I really do appreciate your input, but if I'm to the point of frustration, let me vent, thenm later, once I have cooled off tell me your input and talk with me about it.
I do like having the last decision and the ability to stop whatever topic it is that we/you are goinmg on about. However, just because I have the right and ability, does not mean I will always use it. At times when I ask you questions like "Where do you want to eat?" Don't get upset with me, I want your input. I will make the decision, but I want to do so with your input and my ow.
So what does being a Dominant mean? To be mean, demanding, and uncaring? Not to me. You look at Websters definition here http://www.merriam-webster.com/netdict/dominant . I don't like any of these definitions. None of them really mean anything but the superior person. I don't believe that is what a Dominant is at all. In a D/s both people, IMO, are on equal levels as far as being a person. Neither is more superior of a person than the other, just different in how they serve the other. But a Dominant doesn't serve the submissive ? I think this is wrong. I believe in a D/s relationship both parties are serving the other, they difference is how they go about it. I believe a good Dominant is one that serves his/her sub as much as they expect there sub to serve Them. I'm going to start relating this more towards me now.
I am a new Dom and am still trying to find my way. My "core" values as a Dom are fairly simple in my opinion. The most important is to be protecting and mindful of your well being both physical and mental at all times. You are mine. You are my treasure, my most precious jewel, and it is my duty, obligation, and desire to keep you safe. As much as it your "job" to give me what I need and want, it is my duty and obligation to do the same. This is where I have been lacking. It is my job to make you feel good about our relationship and your submission. You have said that you have not felt submissive, part of this is my fault because I have not accepted ytour submission and given my dominance as I should. Some of this is learning each other and some of this is learning the roles. I really want to sit down with you and do a "negotiation" of what all we need to do to really make this work. My biggest problem is that I expect people to do things to please me without asking or telling them. This has always been an issue of mine even with management. How can I expect you to do something if you don't know I want it right?
Here is a few things I would like to see in our relationship. I would like you to take care of my apartment, keep it tidy and clean. I am not the messiest, but I'm also not the cleanest. I will try and go out of my way to make chores for you. If we need, maybe I can put together a daily list of chores and weekly list of chores. Whatever it is you need, we will work towards this.
I want someone that is glad I am home. When I get home I want to be greeted. I want to know that you are glad that I am home. Now I'm not asking that you come and sit at my feet for 3 hours as soon as I get home, however I would like you to drop what you are doing, come give me a hug and a kiss, maybe cuddle for a few minutes if I've had a bad day, and get me a fresh drink.
If I am obviously having a bad day, especially if I am obviously frustrated, I want someone that will let me vent for a few minutes. I really do appreciate your input, but if I'm to the point of frustration, let me vent, thenm later, once I have cooled off tell me your input and talk with me about it.
I do like having the last decision and the ability to stop whatever topic it is that we/you are goinmg on about. However, just because I have the right and ability, does not mean I will always use it. At times when I ask you questions like "Where do you want to eat?" Don't get upset with me, I want your input. I will make the decision, but I want to do so with your input and my ow.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
...........
So I am going to attempt something new. I am going to blog. To get my feelings is hard enough, but to write them down where others might actually see......AAAAGGGGHHH.
I don't even know where to start. My brain is mushy and I can't seeem to get complete thoughts out must less feelings.
I guess I'll start with whats bothering me right now.
So my gf and sub is having problems at the moment. The problem is, I don't know what I can do to help her. Nor do I know what all is wrong. This is a BIG deal to me. My entire life has been spent trying to make people happy. It's my nature it's who I am. Now I'm stuck with someone I care deeply for, but I can't help them.
I know some of the issues she is having, but I'm not sure how to help her. And some if not all of her issues(I don't know) are directly related to me and our relationship. To start, she wants me to be more "domly". I am making an effort, but I have a strong feeling that if I don't fix thi issue soon, it'll be too late. Thats easy to fix, right?.........Not for me. In my mind and looking back through my history, I have a very dominant personallity....when I know what I am doing. And well, in a relationship....I'm fucked. I look back at my relationships and realize that I was the caretaker of the relationships. I was soo busy trying to make the other soo happy, I would miss the point that I was no longer happy. What can I say, Old Habits die hard. Aside from my past relationships, I am a very laid back and indecisive. Usually I don't care what I/we are doing as long as I/we are doing something. Same with food. So now, she wants me to step up to my role as a Dom and make decisions. I am trying to do this, but she needs to understand that 1)its hard for me to make decisions 2)it's very unlike my past relationships making it harder. But I am trying, I think I have been doing better(maybe not).
When I had this conversation with a friend of mine, I had told him that I am not picky. His response is that that was fine, but now was the fun part, throughout this learning process, I also get to learn to be picky. I get to find out if I like things done a certain way. The problem is, I haven't taken him up on thsi advice.
Truth is, that I am scared I'm going to fail at this(relationship and role) also. I am worried, that as dominant as I feel I am, I'm not going to be enough for her. As I've been told before, history tends to repeat itself. I'm tired and afraid of being second choice, of not being good enough. I want to be good enough, I want to be someones first choice for once. Moreover, I want something to not fail for once because I fucked it up.
I don't really know. This is probably all coming out hazy and garbled. Just ramblings of insecurity. I have more on my mind, but not sure if I can say it right now. So I will end my first attempt.
I don't even know where to start. My brain is mushy and I can't seeem to get complete thoughts out must less feelings.
I guess I'll start with whats bothering me right now.
So my gf and sub is having problems at the moment. The problem is, I don't know what I can do to help her. Nor do I know what all is wrong. This is a BIG deal to me. My entire life has been spent trying to make people happy. It's my nature it's who I am. Now I'm stuck with someone I care deeply for, but I can't help them.
I know some of the issues she is having, but I'm not sure how to help her. And some if not all of her issues(I don't know) are directly related to me and our relationship. To start, she wants me to be more "domly". I am making an effort, but I have a strong feeling that if I don't fix thi issue soon, it'll be too late. Thats easy to fix, right?.........Not for me. In my mind and looking back through my history, I have a very dominant personallity....when I know what I am doing. And well, in a relationship....I'm fucked. I look back at my relationships and realize that I was the caretaker of the relationships. I was soo busy trying to make the other soo happy, I would miss the point that I was no longer happy. What can I say, Old Habits die hard. Aside from my past relationships, I am a very laid back and indecisive. Usually I don't care what I/we are doing as long as I/we are doing something. Same with food. So now, she wants me to step up to my role as a Dom and make decisions. I am trying to do this, but she needs to understand that 1)its hard for me to make decisions 2)it's very unlike my past relationships making it harder. But I am trying, I think I have been doing better(maybe not).
When I had this conversation with a friend of mine, I had told him that I am not picky. His response is that that was fine, but now was the fun part, throughout this learning process, I also get to learn to be picky. I get to find out if I like things done a certain way. The problem is, I haven't taken him up on thsi advice.
Truth is, that I am scared I'm going to fail at this(relationship and role) also. I am worried, that as dominant as I feel I am, I'm not going to be enough for her. As I've been told before, history tends to repeat itself. I'm tired and afraid of being second choice, of not being good enough. I want to be good enough, I want to be someones first choice for once. Moreover, I want something to not fail for once because I fucked it up.
I don't really know. This is probably all coming out hazy and garbled. Just ramblings of insecurity. I have more on my mind, but not sure if I can say it right now. So I will end my first attempt.
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